But what did he MEAN?

Andrei Rodionenko, the head of Russian artistic gymnastics gave an interview and made sure to remind us that the current team isn't final. They're still waiting to see what Afan has to show. 

So my question is... Why is it that poor Princess Tut never actually makes the team? She is always on the verge of making a team, either waiting for someone else to magically heal or being an alternate/team member/alternate again with 3 other girls. I can't imagine this helping her already questionable mental game at the competition.

I swear this post was supposed to be a semi-legitimate translation of this interview with Andrei Rodionenko. But it was just more fun translating what he meant to say, instead of what he said. So here you go.

How difficult was it for you to choose the composition of the Olympic team and what role did the Russian Cup play in it? 

What Andrei said: This team composition is only nominative and there may be changes. There are gymnasts who are not yet ready after an injury, so it's premature to talk about the final composition of the team.

What Andrei meant: lol. Why would you think that we even have a team. Everyone is injured. Aliya is our Queen and she will make the team if she can walk (with crutches) but no one else is in the team until we announce it 2 seconds before the competition begins. It is the Russian way. Don't question it.

To be precise, who do you mean?

What Andrei said: I don't want to name anyone publicly, but we are talking about a couple of people. They are training and working now so I don't want to put any pressure on them. They have two weeks to recover. Before leaving, they will present their routines at the control training, which will give us the final composition of the team. We need to announce it two weeks before the Games. We will pick the most reliable candidates.

What Andrei meant:  Seda is an inconsistent disaster and we're hoping for Afan to pull a miracle and show up with an amanar, a beam routine and a killer floor. My wife Valentina has announced this situation 100 times already, but you're still asking and I'm going to pretend to be the nice guy here and not name anyone. *wink*

Aliya Mustafina took third place at the Russian Cup. How is her form now? 

What Andrei said: It's fine. She's getting back on track. She competed at the European Championships, but the Russian Cup was her first time doing all around. She continues to prepare for the all around, as it is a completely different competition, as opposed to the apparatus finals. It's like the all around in athletics (I assume he means something like decathlon).

What Andrei meant: Stop asking about it. Yeah, she was a bit of a mess, but she's Queen Aliya and we do not question what she does, understand? 

 She herself said that the team competition means more than the individual all around.

What Andrei said: She is entitled to her opinion. I'm very pleased to hear that the team competition means so much to her. She always fights for her team, it's very typical of her.

What Andrei meant: She's our Queen and what she says is the law. We're just going to kneel in front of her and let her do her job. She was our entire team for years so she's used to doing everything for us.

When do you leave for Brazil? 

What Andrei said: On 24th - the day of the official opening of the Olympic Village. Our flight takes off in the morning and by evening of the same day we will be in Rio, two weeks before the start of the Games, as recommended by medicine and science.

What Andrei meant: Our plan was to go there well before the start of the Games and infect everyone with Zika artificially in advance, so our gymnasts will be okay once the actual competition starts, but can still infect other athletes. However, they refused to open the village early just for us, so we're going on 24th. Our doctors and witch doctors say that the moon and stars are in the correct position during those few hours for everyone's ankles and knees to survive the trip.

Seda Tutkhalyan performed well in the European Games last year, but this year she seems to have regressed. What happened? 

What Andrei said: This is a completely different competition. European games in Baku was child's play. We can't compare it to this level, so we shouldn't put too much weight on her success there. We need to look at her results in more demanding competitions, where you have to show maturity.

What Andrei meant: Yeah, we all had hope then. The future looked bright and shiny and it was like she finally got it together. But forget that, because we entered the real world afterwards and the real world sucks. 

What does the men's performance in the European Championships mean? 

What Andrei said: UEFA Football and the Olympic Games - it's a different competition. In Switzerland, there wasn't all-round, there was only apparatus finals, so we shouldn't overestimate the significance of the results there. These performances can only be regarded as a test in preparation for the Olympic Games, no more.

What Andrei meant: Just forget everything that happened there, okay? I'm not asking you about your graduation from kindergarten. 

Can Viktoria Komova still change her mind or was her withdrawal final? 

What Andrei said: Only she can answer that question. When someone is finished, nobody should interfere and try to influence their decision. We know what you know. She stopped training due to the aggravation of a back injury, that's all.

What Andrei meant: We can only hope. We made some calls, we were super passive-aggressive because it's wrong to be just plain aggressive, but so far she's still not back. Stop asking me about it and save your tears for your pillow on your own time. That's what I do.

Do you have medal goals?

What Andrei said: No, nothing specific, just a good performance at the Olympics. It's a sport, so we can't plan for a number of medals in advance. We are preparing to fight and wish to show good gymnastics.

What Andrei meant: Russian gymnastics is super inconsistent so we can't really promise anything, but if we lose we're going to talk trash about other countries' artistry. 

Could we say that the field of gymnasts fighting for medals is much deeper than say, 20 years ago? 

What Andrei said: Gymnastics has always been a tough competition, except for when it first became an Olympic sport. There has been many years since that. Now the field is even deeper, especially in the men's gymnastics. More than 20 countries are able to win a medal. Even with women, there are approximately 12 contenders. And this concerns every apparatus. In addition to strong teams, there are individual gymnasts who compete for themselves on different apparatus. At the last World Championships they won one in every three medals and will make the competition tougher.

What Andrei meant: Yeah, we had Scandinavians winning medals during the early days before Soviet Union, that was wild. Then we had it under control until the Karolyis came in with the Romanians and we haven't gotten rid of those two since that.

In light of the doping scandals last year, is the team under extra attention from WADA? 

What Andrei said: We were never involved with that. We didn't have any doping in gymnastics, so they are working with us as always, we are prepared and accustomed to it. We have always been regularly tested, but we were never even suspected of doping, because we have never done it and never intend to. Our training system requires fair and dignified competition in all aspects of the sport.

What Andrei meant: My wife has a big mouth and she already told you about our meldonium protocol, but I had a talk with our lawyers who told us to tell everyone that "we are fully co-operating with the authorities". So I'm just going to tell that "we are fully co-operating with the authorities" and ignore whatever comes out of Valentina's mouth as usual and make this really simple for you: "WE=GOOD GUYS, ATHLETICS=BAD GUYS". Go it?

The usual disclaimer: I translated this interview with my bad English and much, much worse Russian, so you should take everything I wrote with the normal precautions. But I think I got the "between the lines" stuff pretty right.